what is the point of writing it down. it has been said before. in this form. repeatedly. by many others. so often it makes me angry to even attempt it myself. why say what has been said before. except i want to create. i want to do it for the sake of doing it. not to say anything new but for the joy of saying it. i don't want an audience. i do not want to be seen. i fantasize about it, but i do not truly desire it. to have eyes on the things i say to analyze it. to criticize me and question my every intention. it is scary. i do not want it. i do want to create. i want to make simple things. easy to digest things. joyful. fantasy filled. escapist things. not to be seen. simply to make. and if what i make is stumbled upon by a few who give me a passing high five, cool thing you made, move on. i would be happy. i want to create.
i did a thing. so i have always denied myself femininity. i did it, on reflection, because i was expected to perform femininity a certain way. a dull way. a way that isn't me. i am too weird about my gender to perform it the way those around me wanted and expected. so i never did it. i shunned 'girly' things. i denied myself the pleasure and joy of girly things. now today in my mid thirties i am embracing those things i shrugged off and ignored. today i played with makeup. today i showed people. today i did gaudy colourful makeup. was it good. no. it wasn't terrible. it was an effort and an attempt. i am proud of myself. it was fun too. i enjoyed it greatly as it reminded me of painting and of art. i am glad i gave it a go. my partner asked me why i did it, what prompted it. so i told him too, he was proud of me also. it is bedtime now. i must sleep, got work tomorrow.
finding myself is hard but playful work.
i think i have never wanted to co-exist with another. i find being. in general. difficult. i crave the company of another. i struggle to enjoy them. i feel out of my skin. yet i crave it. i want. i yearn.
clone myself sure but i can't experience the clones experience so whats the point.